Joy over Fear

I can’t control this virus anymore than I could control losing Ben.

For months after his stillbirth, I lived in complete regret and fear.

I cried every day convinced that I must have done something wrong. I must have somehow had my head in the sand.

I vowed that IF I did try again, this time I would be better. Do better. I would stay safer. I wouldn’t let life fool me into thinking everything always works out.

Today, I went to the lake and watched the waves roll in. They were all over the place — uncontrollable, but so alive.

I had this deeper knowing come over me and I could hear myself say: I would rather live a life of joy and bliss (be it ignorant bliss or not) than a life of dread.

We can never go back and change things, and even if we could would it be worth skipping over the parts that were beautiful?

If Ben has taught me anything, it’s that even in uncertain times, we can trust in something greater than ourselves.

I was never in control. I’m not in control. I will never be in control of things that happen — but I can control how I take care of my mental well-being in the moment.

And I choose JOY over fear every time. 🦋