Breakdown to Breakthrough

The first time I return to my doctor’s office, 1 week after the loss of my stillborn son, Ben, I had a complete breakdown.

I couldn’t understand how they could allow me to walk back through those doors with empty arms, after having visited them with my big belly for 32 weeks.

I remember thinking, isn’t there a backdoor for this!? A separate building for the lost moms of loss!?

There wasn’t.

I walked through the waiting room of big bellies, passed the closed doors of expectant parents, and sat in my room waiting — hearing heartbeats on monitors through the paper thin walls.

And then I lost it.

It was my first (public) breakdown — but the first of many.

After that I cried in my car, the grocery store, on planes, boats, even my poor veterinarian had to witness my breaking (he was so sweet by the way, telling me to go and our vet visit was on him) — name a place and I likely had a breakdown before or during my visit.

I was like the Dr. Seuss of breakdowns.

But with every tear, every release, I grew stronger.

I had to breakdown to breakthrough. ✨

And if that’s what it takes mama, that’s what it takes. Grief and child loss are unexplainable to those who have not experienced it.

Don’t worry about the questioners, allow the tears to flow, as this is you, taking brave steps towards your healing journey.

So much love, mama.